Odi et amo
by lilla-bis
Summary: Just a reflection on the fact that being Touya Kouyo’s son must really be VERY difficult. Or why Touya hates and doesn't hate Shindo. Touya Shindo rivalry, blink and it might be shounen-ai.


**Title**: **'Odi et amo'**

**Pairing**: well, technically, none. If you squint very hard this could be Shindou Touya.

**Warnings**: I am pretty sure that Touya is OOC. Just a reflection on the fact that being Touya Kouyo's son must really be VERY difficult.

**Betaed** by Kelley (strychnon).

**Disclaimer**: I have nothing. Thus I most definitively don't own Hikaru no Go.

_Odi et amo, quare id faciam fortasse requiris._   
(I love and hate. Why (I do so) I most emphatically ask.)  
_Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior._   
(I know not, yet strongly I feel and suffer.)  
Catullus, quoting from memory. (Bad translation: mine.)

There are times when Akira really hates Shindo. It is not that Shindo is disrespectful. He is, but that doesn't bother Akira on more than a surface level. Nor is it that he is Akira's rival and will let anyone know about that fact, loudly. Akira likes that fact being known; it makes him feel closer to Shindo. His hatred doesn't have anything to do with Akira's occasional loss to Shindo in their private matches, either. Though that, Akira feels, is maybe closer to the point.

Akira still wants to know about Sai, the old Shindo, and his first burning losses to a surprisingly superior opponent. Still, even the memory of his humiliation doesn't spark any flash of hatred from Akira on its own. Akira is essentially a very quiet person. Quiet, determined, and totally ruthless when necessary. Even at his worst, Akira is not prone to the fits of feeling which characterise Shindo. Unless, of course, Shindo is involved. But that is because Akira hates Shindo.

Most of the people who have played both of them seem to think Shindo will surpass Akira all too soon. They also seem to think that Akira will be left behind, inexorably. Much like Morishita sensei was left behind by Akira's own father. That kind of hushed observation (though there are some people, such as Waya, who make a point of whispering just a bit too loudly, to let Akira know that his status as the Go Prince is in danger) has Akira gritting his teeth. That doesn't make Akira hate Shindo more than he does. No, what that observation will do is spur Akira to 2 day long Go marathons where he will analyse all of Shindo, Sai and Shusaku's games in a loop before collapsing, deeply asleep.

Akira doesn't hate Shindo's lack of manners. Well he is usually a bit appalled, yes, but never to the point where he will feel contempt. Nor will embarrassment be enough to actually make Akira mad. At the same time Akira supposes that his hatred of Shindo is what keeps him from laughing or snorting dismissively when Shindo is at his worst. With enough Ramen noodles in his mouth to make him look like a particularly gluttonous hamster, for exemple.

There are times when Akira feels left out by Shindo, his facility in making contact with other people, his engaging lack of manners. They make him feel wistful. At worst a bit envious of the people who get the Shindo charm showered on themselves. Akira is almost always treated to the abrasive, confrontational Shindo. This still doesn't explain why Akira hates Shindo.

Akira really hates it every time Shindo shows his lack of knowledge about the Go world. It is disrespectful and almost a mockery of all that Akira believes in, of all the people who try hard and do not succeed. It is in fact Shindo's crack about gaining money playing Go that first gets Touya riled enough to actually want to hit something (Shindo of preference, but a wall will do) for the first time ever. Even now, more than five years afterward, Akira is not so sure that Shindo doesn't think about money when playing his games. And that is something that can still make him lose his cool in under ten seconds.

Shindo's talent, this Akira knows for a certainty, is not the reason why he hates his rival. In fact said brilliance is almost a reason to love Shindo. That resourcefulness will always have Akira catching his breath with something like excitement and a will to do just as much, be just as great.

But Akira knows that he never will be good enough to match Shindo. His Father once told him that talent had no meaning in Go. This, Akira knows, was because his Father knew that Akira had none. He gave Akira the consolation prize, the skill acquired through innumerable games against a true master. Akira's father will never be interested in his son's Go. He will play Akira out of love. But Shindo, or Sai, is the opponent he will choose freely, for himself. Akira hates above all the fact that one day Shindo too will find out and stop playing him as his Rival. In fact, Akira finds out, he doesn't hate Shindo at all; but he hates not being a real, significant rival to Shindo. He finds that he dreads the day when Shindou will find out and even more he hates Ko Yong Ha who will surely become Shindou's true foil.

The day Shindo wins their first official match is also the day he first calls Akira his Eternal Rival. Akira feels as if he might actually love Hikaru a tiny little bit, because, even if he isn't sure that definition is appropriate, it surely means that now they are in a committed rivalry.


End file.
